I believe the pursuit of mental health knowledge is not just about answering the question, “Why am I unhappy?” But also about answering the question, “Why can’t I get out of it?” In American culture, figuring out how to be a “good” person has also become synonymous with carrying the burden of answering “What’s wrong with me?”
One piece of this puzzle is a question of consciousness and existentialism: We are explicitly or implicitly searching for an answer to “What am I worth, and what do I deserve?” The circumstances that place that question in each of us are variable and debatable: the school system, trauma, capitalism, intergenerational gendered perceptions, spirituality, or higher powers. Perhaps it’s even an inherent part of consciousness. I do not believe that we have to know the root of the phenomenon to honor it and move beyond it. Many people begin their journeys of knowing themselves at the starting line of a race of comparison we don’t even acknowledge.
So today, we’re going to acknowledge it. I’m going to say the things that, if you are suffering in the way that I suspect, you would never allow yourself to say. We will try to give you permission to feel better so you can hear and believe for yourself. If you want to skip to the practical activity and management technique, go to the header Spiritual First-Aid at the end of this paper for the “answer.”
Where Did it Come From?
Everyone wants to be a good person. However, our individual definitions of what it takes to be a good person are unique and impacted by many unknowable variables. Somewhere, we have an idea of what “goodness” and personal success look like and it is deeply connected to our values. Some people want to be good at something which is goodness through skill. Some people want some form of power or control, which might seem to some like the one exception to “goodness.” I believe this is goodness through independence. Goodness in this capacity (from the internal motive) is I am good because I have ensured that I am always safe, secure, stable, and able to change my life how I need. Some people want to give back and choose goodness through community. The most obvious and structured may be goodness through morality which is often linked to religion or legal parameters.
These are just a few examples of what it looks like when you start linking your values to your goals and naming what would be fulfilling for you. However, almost all of us start out without knowing how to be fulfilled or what it takes to get there. So, we spend years, sometimes decades or lifetimes, feeling unfulfilled and placing blame for our dissatisfaction in different places to displace our discomfort. We push effort after effort to feel better, chasing fleeting good feelings, giving up and trying again, all just to end up in the same place.
Still, we hear echoes…”What’s wrong with me? Why am I miserable? Why can’t I feel better? What in this life is worth feeling like this for?”
Somewhere along the road to becoming adults, we all receive messages that something is inherently wrong with each of us in some categorical nature. This can be a social success, financial success, beauty, or an infinite number of modifiable or unmodifiable traits. We feel insufficient by default. We want to “be good” and meet personal metrics of what it takes to “deserve” the things we desire for ourselves. Even if our desires, goals, or values are unnamed, we are each chasing a life worth living and feeling that we have earned that fair and square. However, we start life by fumbling through and surviving before pursuing the right to happiness and health. Very rarely do we start this journey already believing that we are good people and we deserve good things. So we become stuck in an impossible emotional algebraic equation; we cannot feel better until we know what will work. We cannot believe we are good people until we do enough “good” things. And we often have to figure out what “good” means for us.
In striving to be a good person without first believing that we are, we look for evidence in our interactions to tell us what we are worth and deserve. Until we find a way to believe that we are worthy of good and satisfy our intrinsic need to feel satisfied with who we are, we are often stuck in a cycle. This cycle is a rapid trial and error in a search for fulfillment and confidence. We are not good, so we must prove that we are. None of these attempts will work as long as we are convinced that we are not yet good people.
This is the psychosocial paradox of being deserving. Unless you believe you are deserving, you will look for reasons to be undeserving. The logic ends up being I am a bad person until proven good. However, believing that you are not a good person yet, you are primed to look for negative evidence that validates the undeserving belief.
Plenty of platitudes, sayings, and techniques are meant to help restructure this belief. Mental health workers are told to treat themselves as clients first. The average person has probably heard, “No one will love you until you love yourself.” Even “God loves you” and “No one can judge me, but God” sayings are meant to instill this same sense of inherent worth. From well-intentioned but misguided advice to religion to therapeutic approaches, many people are trying to hand over self-worth, but, unfortunately, here’s another platitude: self-worth can only come from within.
What Does it Look Like?
When we are stuck in the cycle of feeling insufficient, defective, or undeserving of happiness - we naturally suffer from the impact of low self-confidence (assuredness or self-esteem.) Our behaviors fall somewhere on a spectrum of how we manage severely low self-esteem. This spectrum of behavior could be thought of as people pleasing (I am only good when someone tells me so) to narcissism (I am good because everyone else is worse.)
Although these two labels feel diametrically opposed and on opposite sides of the spectrum, please remember that they have a common identity, even if they have very different expressions. Both represent a severely skewed sense of control. The people pleaser and the narcissist both believe that controlling others is the key to their happiness and self-worth. The people pleaser redeems their control of an outcome or situation by relinquishing all boundaries, decision-making, and preference to someone else. They can control the outcome of interest (the perception of serving someone else's interest) by always coalescing with other’s interest in the immediate outcome. The narcissist redeems control explicitly by over-asserting their interest in the outcome and deciding it regardless of other’s interests or harm to that person. The root beliefs of low self-esteem motivate these behaviors, but the expression of those behaviors varies even if the function fulfills a similar need. Control affords a person the perceived safety from critique and further pain by protecting the minimal self-esteem available. People pleasers do this by having no opinions to critique, narcissists do this by avoiding accountability from critique at all costs, even harm to other people.
Most people will fall into the interim of this spectrum, potentially with mixed features of both of these labels. Interim behaviors ultimately attempt to fulfill the functions of protecting any self-esteem available and providing short-lived affection or a proxy for fulfillment. However, these behaviors will always leave you ultimately unsatisfied because true self-esteem is refillable from the internal beliefs you have about yourself. If your true internal belief is that you are not yet a good person, it will drain any joy or self-love you ever begin to build.
If you aren’t seeing the path to a solution yet, that is okay. The problem, as we’ve defined it so far, is that:
Striving to be a good person is a desire all of us have, even if that is defined uniquely.
When you are trying to be a good person, you have self-defined that you are inherently a bad person by initial default.
The belief and self-damnation of being a bad person until proven otherwise will lead only to insufficient attempts at finding self-worth and continued low self-esteem
Behaviors caused by low self-esteem can range from severe people-pleasing to narcissism and abuse of others from a need for control.
And finally,
Without believing that you are inherently deserving and worthy, you will spend your time chasing small “highs” of false esteem that can harm yourself and others as the behaviors get more severe.
How Do I Get it Right?
I don’t want this situation to seem helpless, even if it is initially paradoxical. As I mentioned, being stuck in this cycle is where we all begin. You’ve already taken a step by acknowledging that you are dissatisfied, and that is a big deal! We get stuck because the logic of this paradox brings us back to the beginning, and when you are miserable, you are too exhausted to break a lifelong contradiction. My article They Can’t Sell You a Conscience has numerous smaller activities to help you break this cycle. However, in this piece, we will focus on one main activity in detail.
Working New Steps
The hardest part of breaking out of this cycle is changing your beliefs. Beliefs are tricky to change because they are resistant to logic and evidence; their nature is faith in something without proof. So we will focus on that: building a faith in yourself.
Right now, your core motivating belief is likely that you are a mentally sick, bad, or insufficient person who must earn love and happiness. (If mentally sick or unwell resonates most with you, go read Stop Making Serotonin Jokes and then come back to this piece.)
You will not wake up tomorrow with a changed perspective on who you are, but that’s okay, you don’t have to wholesale reform your identity to feel a bit better. It is nearly impossible to go from self-resentment to self-love without stopping in self-neutrality. We only need one singular piece of faith in ourselves to move forward and stop the rip-currant of undeserving.
The following is your handbook, your mantras, and your recipe for spiritual nurturing. Spirituality can be a lot of things, and I hope this phrase does not scare you away from the possibility of feeling better. If I haven’t yet built your trust that guidance can help in this realm, I would be grateful if you first read They Can’t Sell You a Conscience and then try this back on.
Spiritual First-Aid
Your spirituality can be based on values and ethics, meaning or purpose for yourself, religious perspectives, and connection to something that matters to you. I am using this broad definition to provide a Spiritual First Aid Kit. This can be used alongside any other spiritual beliefs, faith, or religion. The concept is that this can be used daily to help break severe cycles of dissatisfaction, as we’ve discussed so far. However, it can also be used supplementally for a spiritual boost. Since this is a self-defined guide based on function not assigned values, you can adjust it to your current lifestyle and practice.
Below, there are a few steps. Each step is intended to be practiced daily or as often as you can possibly manage, but consistency is key. For each, I will give you the function, an example, and a prompt to create your own. I will provide a worksheet at the end if you prefer a handout to print and work on.
First: Name your method to invest in it.
This can be any title that reminds you why you spent time designing it and the value that can be gained from it.
Examples: “Pillars of [Name]” or “Recipe for Self-Love.”
Second: Start with neutrality.
You will write up to three neutral statements about who you are that feel true, honest, and comfortable for you. These can be about any facet of your identity, like intelligence, beauty, skills, friendship, etc. I recommend that you focus on areas where you feel especially wounded. The primary goal is to develop statements that feel true and say nothing positive OR negative about who you are.
Examples: if you feel undeserving of attention, you could write something like, “People’s affection for me is affected by a lot of factors.” If you have negative body image, you could write, “My body’s purpose is to move me around the world.” If you are sensitive to critiques on your intelligence, you could list, “There are people more and less intelligent than me in the world.”
Third: Promise fairness to yourself.
The first step in believing you deserve better is to believe that you deserve fairness. Write a short statement pledging to make an effort to be balanced in how you treat yourself. This pledge should include why you deserve fairness, how that fairness will look, and a way to measure or check that you are doing this as often as possible. You can look at examples of personal mission statements online and mirror those if you need an additional starting point. If you struggle to write your own, you may borrow an example from below.
Examples:
“I deserve fairness because every person has inherent worth. If I extend that to the people that I love in the world, then I must give it to myself as well. My loved ones would want me to care for myself in the ways and levels they care for me. If no one else is here to care for me, even on days that I do not love myself, I deserve to exist without additional punishment from myself. When I ruminate, and I think about the worst-case scenario, I will also consider the best-case scenario. I will intentionally ask myself what worst-case, best-case, and most likely case looks like, and I will be as fair as I can in my answers. When I say self-deprecating things to others, I will correct them to whatever more fair statement I can manage. I will designate someone to hold me accountable for these new habits.”
"I commit to embracing self-love and moving away from self-hatred. I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person, including myself. My mission is to cultivate a compassionate and nurturing relationship with myself. I will practice self-compassion by treating myself with kindness and understanding, challenging negative self-talk with affirming thoughts, and prioritizing self-care to honor my needs. I will hold myself accountable for self-care practices that nourish my mind, body, and spirit. I understand the importance of accountability in fostering self-love, and I will seek support and implement strategies to nurture a positive self-image and embrace personal growth."
Fourth: Identify your “unconditional” identity and traits.
This step is a bit more challenging. You should list the pieces of you that you most easily can access appreciation for regardless of other circumstances. At its simplest, this should be a few items listing the things you like about yourself. However, at the most complicated, you are looking for features of yourself that are immovable and immutable. This is where the beginnings of self-validation will be seeded. The function is to find the things about you that you can reach for to remind yourself that you are worthy regardless of anything else that is going on. This can be as many statements as you can manage, even if that is only one single statement that says, “I am a person, so I am as worthy as anyone else.” Even if these statements are uncomfortable or only feel true about yourself sometimes, that’s okay! That is still a starting point. These will change over time.
Prompts: Instead of specific examples, I have provided a list of potential prompts and questions to help you identify things that may work for you.
What are some of my unique strengths or talents that I admire in myself?
Which abilities or skills did I last feel proud of?
What core values do I feel are important or practice regularly
How do I contribute positively to my life and relationships?
In what ways have I shown resilience and overcome challenges in my life?
How do I demonstrate compassion and empathy towards others?
What positive qualities do my friends, family, or loved ones appreciate about me?
What activities or hobbies bring me joy, excitement, and fulfillment?
How do these interests reflect my authentic self and passions
What practices or routines make me feel nourished and cared for
How do I actively seek personal growth, self-improvement, and lifelong learning?
What achievements or milestones am I proud of?
What aspects of my life give me a sense of purpose and meaning
How do I contribute positively to my community or society?
In which moments have I felt strongest and righteous?
What personality traits have remained consistent across different life stages and circumstances?
What aspects of my cultural or ethnic identity have remained constant over time?
What did my closest friends last compliment me on?
What makes me different than the person I dislike most?
Fifth: Define your “goodness.”
As we discussed earlier, every person trying to be a good person has their own definition of what it means to be good. You will write a short statement defining what your goodness looks like in an ideal situation. This would be your hypothetical goal post of how you would know that you were suddenly a “good person.” This can be connected to your personal values, ethics, or what success looks like in your path. Think of how you might guide someone else to be a good person. What habits, actions, or beliefs are in line with your values? What are the traits of someone you look up to or consider to be a good person? List as many traits and concrete, measurable behaviors as possible. This begins your roadmap of new habits or practicing values whenever possible.
Prompts:
What does it mean to act with integrity and honesty in all situations?
What would someone need to do for me to forgive them for something that hurt me?
How do I know that someone is a good person?
How do I know that someone is not a good person?
If I had a year to focus only on developing new skills that would make me a better person, what would I learn to do first?
How do I want to handle moral dilemmas or ethical challenges?
How do I want to consider other people’s feelings or circumstances?
How do I want to treat other people, friends, or strangers?
How do I want to fulfill commitments?
How do I want to take responsibility for my actions or mistakes?
How do I want to show interest in other people’s favorite things and activities?
How do I want to handle challenges or setbacks?
How do I want people to speak about my character and behavior?
How do I want to influence the people and environment around me?
What does it mean to show respect and kindness to all individuals, regardless of differences?
What aspects of your life contribute most to your sense of success and happiness?
Example:
“To be a good person means embodying the values of communication, effort, and connection. To practice these values, I will regularly seek opportunities to listen actively and express myself clearly and respectfully. I can measure this by actively participating in conversations, asking follow-up questions, and providing constructive feedback. I will consistently invest energy and dedication into tasks and relationships. I will set achievable goals, track progress, and adapt strategies when necessary. I can foster meaningful relationships by prioritizing empathy, trust, and support. I can do this through acts of kindness, maintaining regular contact, and offering help or encouragement to others.”
Sixth: Setting Consequences
The sixth step for this activity is to be fair in measuring whether you are meeting your own expectations of what it means to be a good person. The issue with finding negative evidence (proving to yourself that “see! I’m not a good person!”) can be resolved by setting the mistakes or behaviors that you are allowed to be upset with yourself about and having consequences in place to practice fairly.
The goal here is to list up to 5 outcomes of your behavior that would classify as causing real harm. These should be outcomes that cannot be easily resolved through apology, interpersonal repair, healthy conflict, or other reasonable behaviors. I have worked very hard to identify the consequences that are truly near irreparable and worth worrying about if you do something to cause them, so I recommend starting with the extreme examples below and then building in others that might suit your life. The goal is that these are the few examples of what would make you a “bad” person in other people’s eyes. Things that cannot be forgiven.
These (up to) 5 consequences are the ones you are allowed to berate yourself for. However, anything other negative impacts you cause, you must work to resolve with the other person impacted. That’s the deal. You can’t feel bad about yourself, you have to try to find a solution. If it’s on your list of 5, you can spiral and be upset.
This allows you to be prepared for the things that matter to you, both positive and negative, instead of spiraling about any perceived mistake and not giving yourself credit for the things that you do “correctly.” It also allows you to more easily forgive yourself and others and pursue actual resolution instead of sitting terrified in self-punishment.
Examples: The ones that I recommend are “putting at risk: 1) the health of myself and my loved ones, 2) my housing security or the housing security of my loved ones, 3) physical safety and loss of life for myself or loved ones, or 4) potential incarceration of myself or loved ones.”
Final: Reward Yourself with Fulfillment
You might be thinking, well, how do I know that I’m doing it correctly? You will feel it. The multi-pronged approach is: to practice neutrality as often as possible, protect any healthy self-esteem you already have, and stop punishing yourself unnecessarily. However, we’re going to add one final piece to make sure that you can see the fruits of your labor as often as possible. This final step is seeing the true self-esteem from behavior change, which comes from gratitude. The answer to the age old question, “How DO you love yourself without relying on other people?” is “gratitude.” Finding what you are grateful for shows you the good in your life without having to do anything else but reflect on your own life. It shows you what you have and who you are. Then, the more you practice your values through the steps above, the longer the list of things you are grateful for will grow.
The goal for this step is to find three things that you typically have in your life that are a positive addition and that you are happy are there. You will practice gratitude statements for these things every day. Then, you will start trying to expand that to, “what from today am I grateful for?” Sometimes gratitude is being happy that things aren’t even worse than they already are. And, if you’re suffering and you ruminate, you might not be able to find things that are good, but you can almost definitely find ways that things could get worse. Change your “what if this awful thing happens?” to “I’m grateful that horrible thing isn’t happening right now” and even that is an improvement.
Examples:
"I am grateful for the kindness and support of my family and friends. Their love and encouragement make life more meaningful. I am grateful that I was able to see the sky today. I am grateful that I have time to grow and do better."
"I am deeply grateful for the lessons I've learned through difficult times. Each challenge has made me stronger and more resilient, and I am thankful for the opportunity to empathize with others who have had a hard time and help them feel less judgment."
Spiritual First Aid is meant to be a starting point for you to break the cycle of feeling undeserving of the good and deserving of the bad. You are already a good person by virtue of being a person who wants to do good. You have time to grow and hone your skills to be closer to the ideal person you want to be. There are infinite ways to customize and practice this in your daily life. Even if you try one piece of this, I hope it makes a difference in your life. I am providing a worksheet version of this below. Please let me know in the comments if you try any of these techniques or if you have thoughts on the brief discussion above. Thank you for coming on this journey with me, and I am wishing you the best from this side of the screen. Not radical, refreshed.
Notes from the Author
*If you enjoyed this piece, please consider these supplemental readings on my Substack:
Now People Hate You, and They Can’t Sell You a Conscience. These pieces address this topic from additional perspectives.
*If you are a fellow mental health professional who would like to use the worksheet at the end of this paper, I encourage it! It would mean a lot if, prior to using it, you could leave a comment or message me letting me know your intended use! Although this is not required, it would meaningfully help me track interest and plan for future adaptations.
